What to do?

I have been a bit quiet since Christmas, despite saying I was back after the holidays, so I do apologise.  My only excuse is that I have been tired, really dog tired, more exhausted than I have ever been in my entire life.  I have been back and forth between my GP and the hospital having bloods taken, xrays and scans.  On top of that my blood pressure medication stopped working, so after much mucking around with daily blood pressure readings and testing different doses, I am now on a higher dose of one tablet and a new one added into my ever increasing daily pill popping! .  All I can say is that it completely wiped me out.  I have felt absolutely lousy for the last couple of weeks, to the point were I could barely keep my eyes open.  So writing blog posts and even reading posts has been a struggle. I seem to have turned the corner now with the medication and am feeling much more human again. It may still take a couple of weeks to settle, but the worst of that seems to be behind me now.    When I will get results of all the other tests – who knows!  However, for now I think “normal” service has resumed.  Of course my first proper post has to be a dilemma one :)

It concerns an internet “friend”  I’ll call her Grace for the sake of this post.  I began communicating with this girl just over 3 years ago, through a pregnancy and infant loss forum.  She lost her child at 8 months old in very tragic circumstances.  Naturally it hit her hard, very very hard and to be honest during the past 3 years, she hasn’t really come to terms with any of it.  Without going into too much detail, her daughter’s death could possibly have been prevented.  She didn’t do anything bad or wrong, there were just some preventative measures that she either wasn’t aware of or didn’t think of.  She did what a lot of parents do, but it ended tragically for her.

She split up with her husband before their daughter was born and pretty much raised her alone.  Since losing her daughter, she hasn’t met anyone else and has almost shut that side of her life down.  It’s a little like she’s punishing herself and won’t let herself have a relationship with anyone else, just in case they would get serious and she could end up pregnant.  She feels this would be a big betrayal to her daughter.

I’ve kept myself as available to her as I physically can, she texts, emails, we chat on Facebook etc and I totally understand when she hits a rough patch.  However, lately she seems to have become very bitter towards anyone on her Facebook page that has children, she hasn’t with me yet, but I’m sure it’s on the horizon.  Again, I understand that grief can take hold of her and cause her to be like this.  However, as horrible as this sounds, at times it feels as bit, like she’s milking sympathy from everyone and to a degree palming off her feelings of guilt onto everyone else - oh I know that sounds awful, I almost can’t believe I’ve said it.  Jeez, I miss my son every single day, I cry for him, I hurt about him, I want him back, but I never do and never did blame anyone else or be spiteful towards anyone else after his death.

I remember every time I opened Facebook I was confronted by scan pictures or birth announcements and even though I felt as though my heart was being ripped out, I swallowed the feelings, even the feelings of jealousy – yes pure jealousy and offered my congratulations to whoever it was.  When I read posts from friends moaning about pregnancy, I may have felt a bit miffed about it, but I never said anything.

Grace, however, has started to have scathing, really spiteful rants at anyone on her Facebook who remotely moans about their lives.  It has started to bother me, because I do think it’s a bit of a cry for attention, but the comments are becoming really atrocious.  After every nasty post, she then gets an outpouring of sympathy from people, everyone saying, you are right we shouldn’t moan blah blah.  No one has the nerve to tell her, that she is being aggressive and rude and just as she has the right to post a rude status, they have the right to post a moan.

The latest “attack” came on Thursday, a mutual Facebook friend I’ll call her Jayne, posted a status saying something like what a shit day, my online shopping is late and my kids are wrecking the house and tearing chunks out of each other – they are monsters, I want to run away, I didn’t sign up to this.  A harmless status really and one that any of us I’m sure could post.  Much as I am thankful every minute of every day for my girls and I’d die for them, some days they drive me insane, some days it’s hard, it’s hard to keep up with their demands, it’s hard to keep them from going completely crazy and just trashing the place!  I don’t usually take to Facebook to express that, I normally just collapse in a heap on the sofa once they’re in bed – but each to their own.

I believe that people have the right to moan about whatever they want and even if we don’t always agree with it, we can just stop reading or not respond.  However the response the mutual friend got was horrendous.  Grace decided to write her own status it went along the lines of this – these are her words not mine:

” All you moaning fuckers, moaning about your mundane lives and moaning about your children driving you mad.  Try fucking losing a child, try fucking living with that.  Shut up moaning about trivial shit and just hope that you don’t have to bury one of your children, like I had to, you ungrateful bastards!”  If you don’t like what I’ve said and feel hurt by it – then why not just fuck off!”

I was really shocked at this, it just seemed way too over the top a reaction.  Naturally Jayne, knew instantly it was directed at her and she did speak out.  She commented saying that she was entitled to have a crap day, no matter how trivial others thought it was and she could post about it on her Facebook wall if she so desired and then told her she would “fuck off” and would never be back.  She subsequently removed herself off Grace’s friends list.

The whole debacle didn’t stop there though.  Lots of people waded in and patted Grace on the head, telling her she was absolutely right, people shouldn’t be moaning blah, blah and then they began to tear Jayne apart, by saying she was nasty, she was callous, what kind of person was she for removing herself from the. friends list.  To be honest the whole thing was dirty, shallow and nasty and Jayne, is actually a lovely person, who rarely moans about anything.

So I find myself now no longer wanting to be “friends” with Grace.  I no longer want to tiptoe around her. I want to post pictures of my daughters on Facebook without feeling as though I shouldn’t, just in case she gets upset.  I’m so annoyed at her behaviour that I just want to remove myself without trying to explain myself to her.  If she contacts me and asks why, I’m more than prepared to tell her, but I feel like her behaviour doesn’t even warrant an explanation.

So that’s it, that’s my dilemma, so do I stay or do I go?  What would you do?  Would you remove yourself, or try to ride it out and see if things change?  I should add that this rude behaviour has been happening for a while now, she has lost a few “friends” over it, it hasn’t just deteriorated because of Christmas and New Year.  It has become a scenario whereby, if some of her friends don’t post a sympathetic post towards her every day, she then starts picking people off and rounding on them.

I’m actually finding myself wanting to post things on my Facebook wall to deliberately antagonise her, if you know what I mean.  I don’t like feeling that way.  I keep telling myself, don’t sweat the small stuff, but even that mantra is wearing thin!

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4 thoughts on “What to do?

  1. Morning honey, i am glad to hear your feeling a little better. I so know how you feel and i fell out with my friend in similar circumstances. While pregnant with Joshua i had many many complications and each time i was rushed into hospital she would call and say has he died? not are you all right ? not how is every thing? .. she finally turned on me when i posted that i was having a boy! (i lost his twin at about 11 weeks) needless to say i did bite back and told her to F**k off and get her own life and as far as i was concerned she could live her own life and not live it through me!

    I have to be honest it was the best thing that could of happened .. i still to this day feel nothing but relief from getting rid!

    Does your friend no you blog? … if not you could share this post on FB and make a comment on it saying i know someone like that too!

    • I am definitely beginning to feel that getting rid of her would be the best option. I’ve decided I’m going to phone her at the weekend and find out what all this is about. She had another horrible status today aimed at one of her friends. I don’t know the couple, but I read the comment that she put. He had posted to say that sadly his wife had her 12 week scan and the baby had no heartbeat, everyone was naturally offering their sympathy and support, but she more or less posted saying “oh well, onwards and upwards, at least you didn’t give birth to the baby and then have it taken from you”! I couldn’t believe it, so that’s when I decided to phone her and I suspect it won’t end well x

  2. Hello! What a dilemma, if I was in your shoes I think I might have a chat and call out her behaviour which at the moment has clearly become abusive and offensive to others. Grace is clearly suffering and not emotionally well – I don’t know if she has received this, but some long term psycho therapy, in particular, trauma therapy (given the loss of her daughter and relationship break down) could really benefit her – abusive behaviuor is a clear signal of trauma, and depression (a course of anti-depressants could help her to gain some distance from her extreme, but understandable reactions given whats she’s been through. This plus talking therapy could help). Still her out cries have crossed a line, and honesty is probably required as to her impact on others, and that she may need professional therapeutic help to get her well again – she won’t take kindly to this but this is better than everyone colluding with her current behaviour. See how comfortable you feel with being gently honest with her, and then maybe have some space eg don’t respond to texts immediately etc…… you’ve clearly been a very supportive friend in her pain but you are not her counsellor either – she needs help to work through all the complexities of her pain and envy.

    • I have decided to have it out with her at the weekend, she has gotten even worse. The sad thing is that it honestly isn’t all about grief anymore, it’s hard to explain, but it is all about her now, if you know what I mean. She’ll tear people apart to get sympathy and then won’t comment or thank anyone for taking the trouble to ask if she’s ok. An hour later she’ll post saying that she’s going out on the town with friends and the next day her wall will be full of photos of the night out.

      It seems to only happen when people don’t pay her constant attention, she’ll then pull out the grief card. She actually has had grief counselling and has a counsellor or therapist still assigned to her. The minister who met her at the hospital on that tragic night, still visits her regularly and the young policeman who had to accompany her to the hospital and who stayed there all night with her, still phones her and visits occasionally. I actually found out too that she has a partner and has been with him for about 8 months, but she has always maintained that she was single and has never even been out to dinner with a man.

      There is no doubt that she has deep rooted problems, but I do also feel that she is now using them to her advantage. Hopefully after the weekend I may have a clearer picture of what’s going on, but I suspect it will be make or break time x

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