Keeping A Breast of Things!


My husband was working from home today and I needed to go into town.  So he said the girls could stay with him and I got to escape on my own!

He was having a couple of reps call to see him but I expected to be home by the time they arrived.  One of the reps is a very curvaceous woman in her mid fifties.  When I say curvaceous, she really is.  She has enormous breasts.  I’m talking chesty Morgan enormous.  They are so large, they do actually cause her a degree of pain and discomfort, but she is afraid to have reduction surgery.

Anyway, before leaving the house, I warned our toddler to be on her best behaviour and if they arrived before I got home she was to be polite and not touch any of their things.  I got the usual toddler “yes mummy, I be a good girl.”  So off I went into town.

When I drove back to the house, their car was already there, they had arrived early.  The moment I opened the door our toddler came thundering into the kitchen shouting at the top of her voice “mummy you’re home.”  she then proceeded to gulder (a good Ulster Scots word for really loud shouting) “Mummy I was good and I was nice to the lady with the big BREATHS!”  Yep big breaths, she shouted this at the top of her voice.  Full on toddler yelling – I was nice to the lady with the big breaths!

I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole.  I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t move, I was torn between the desire to laugh hysterically at the fact she called them breaths and sheer and utter embarrassment.  I knew that they had to have heard her, they couldn’t, not have heard her.  I also knew that I was going to have to move from the spot I seemed to be welded to.

So after I wiped the inappropriate suppressed laughter tears off my face,  I did the only thing I could think of.  I handed our daughter some sweets and steered her towards the playroom, I gulped down the laughter and chose that very British of solutions, the answer to all life’s dramas and problems.  I stuck my head around the door, pasted on a smile and said “tea anyone?”

Ah toddlers, you gotta love them.

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