If I knew Then What I Know Now

Some things in life are really worth knowing about, some of them I wish I’d know thirty years ago.  So to give them a jump-start, here’s a few to start my girls off.

 

Dear Daughters – here’s the scoop!

 

1.  Your mammy always knows best – no matter how wrong you think she is, no matter how objectionable it seems – she does, so get used to that idea now.  It will make your teenage years much simpler.

2.  Daddy does know loads of things, but not as much as mammy and he will always go with what mammy decides anyway – so just memorise point 1.

3. Not all men are like daddy, they will not all have your best interests at heart – so best you avoid them until you are at least 30 – remember point number 1!

4. If mammy says no, then the answer is no

5.  If daddy says no, then it could become yes, with the right amount of emotional blackmail, pleading eyes and the occasional, but I love you daddy thrown in.

6.  Granny is mammys, mammy, but she still doesn’t know more than mammy – remember point 1.

7.  You can never have too many pairs of shoes – ever!

8.  Barbie is not a true reflection of what a woman should look like – unless of course she’s had vast amounts of excruciatingly painful surgery, costing thousands of pounds.  Do you really want to have hands with all the fingers joined together?

9.  Men will never understand you – you are an enigma to them.  Use this knowledge wisely.

10. Don’t pick the tops off scabs.  It might be gory fun, but seriously, it’s gross and it can leave behind a scar – see my left knee for proof!

11.  When mammy asks you where you are going, don’t ever just say out.  Mammy has been to this out place and knows exactly what happens there.

12.  If you ever try smoking (you will be throttled) don’t think that eating a packet of Polo Mints will hide the evidence – it won’t, you will smell of minty smoke.

13.  If you ever come home with a lovebite, toothpaste and makeup will not hide it and mammy will once again throttle you.  Even daddy may also notice that you are wearing a polo neck sweater in August!

14.  When you look in the mirror at that belt posing as a skirt, know now that daddy will say – you are not going out dressed like that!

15.  No you can’t get a tattoo

16.  Piercings – see point 15

17.  Mammy and Daddy both know that Magaluf is known as Shagaluf – therefore see points 4 & 15.

18.  Weeds are things that grow in gardens and choke plants – you need never be concerned with any other kind.

19.  Babycham has made a retro revival – all other forms of alcohol are considered very uncool.

20.  If there are too many of these points to remember, just memorise point 1. 

 

*As a little extra note to my darling eldest daughter – Granny already has a colour television, therefore colouring her LCD flatscreen with wax crayons is NEVER a good idea!

 

 

The Little Balloon

Our girls had a multi coloured Winnie the Pooh helium balloon that a friend bought them.  It has been stuck to the playroom ceiling pretty much since they got their mitts on it and let it go.  It had began to shrink as the helium seeps out.  So about a week and a half ago, I decided to let it go.

I opened the front door one of those cold wintry evenings and just let it go.  I said to my husband in passing that I was sending it up to our son, so he could share the balloon.  He replied by saying “wouldn’t it be strange if we saw a shooting star right now”.  Some of you will know that we bought and named a star after our son, so they do have a bit of significance and shooting stars always give me a little buzz.

My reply to my husband was “it would be even stranger if we got up in the morning and the balloon was back!”  Just a throw away remark really, I didn’t honestly think for one minute that the balloon would be there.  I had watched it float up over our trees and out of sight.

This morning, a week and a half later, I was the first one up in our house.  I was standing in the kitchen in the quiet, drinking a cup of tea, watching the morning light begin to creep in, listening to the rain pounding against the glass.  When I noticed something small and silver stuck in the window box outside my kitchen.  Curiosity getting the better of me, I braved the wind and rain and went out to retrieve it.  This is what was stuck amongst the plants in my window box

 

Balloon1

I kid you not, this little half deflated silver star helium balloon was just sticking there tangled in the dead bits of plants. I know that this is nothing more than an absolute fluke, a total coincidence.  Some of you will know that I totally don’t believe in anything like this,  but I can tell you that my heart was thumping in my chest.  I stood there in the pouring rain for what felt like forever, clutching this balloon.  My head was reeling and I was filled with the overwhelming sense that this balloon was meant to end up underneath my window.

Whether it was or wasn’t, doesn’t honestly matter.  What I do know is that I spent all day feeling complete, feeling as if one missing piece had been put back.  Believe it or not, I also washed the mud off the little balloon and put it in a cupboard in the dresser.

I am linking this post up with the lovely Jaime from The Olivers Madhouse for #MagicMoments 


Colour Television

We normally end up at my mother’s house at some point over the weekend.  As it happened we went on Sunday and a couple of my sisters were there too, so it was a full house.

Our girls were happily playing with toys, colouring and eating buns in the sitting room with Grandad.  The other adults were mainly spread out in the kitchen.  My mum has one of those “live in” type kitchens, it’s a big room with a settee and couple of armchairs at one end and a wood burner, so that is usually were we spend our time.

Grandad decided to go to the shop, leaving the girls playing happily.  I checked in on them a time or two and they were being as good as gold.  However, the next time I checked in, darling eldest daughter was standing in front of the flat screen tv, rubbing at it.  I asked her what she was doing, to which I got a “noching(nothing) mummy”  I never believe her when she says that!

I walked up to her and to my horror, she was colouring in the television screen with her crayons!!!  I instantly shouted “No, you mustn’t do that, you’ll ruin Granny’s tv”  she looked at me and said, but there is no colour, all the colour disappeared, like on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  Grandad, when he had gone out had left a black & white western on the television.  There is an episode of Mickey Mouse, where all the colour drains away and she thought this is what had happened and she could fix it!  Thank you Disney.

I stood there opening and closing my mouth like a guppy, I just couldn’t believe she’d done it.  The screen was covered in blue, red and yellow crayon.  If it had been our youngest girl, I wouldn’t have been surprised, she is a serial scribbler, she will draw on anything that crosses her path.  Our eldest though, has never done that, she has never been a wall drawer!

Half a tub of screen wipes later and I finally managed to remove the offending colouring, thank goodness.  I didn’t fancy having to splash out on a new television.  Privately we laughed about it, simply because it is so out of character with her.  Her future is mapped out though, her little sister will encourage her and put her up to all sorts of mischief and unfortunately she will always be the one that gets caught!

I’m never watching a black & white movie again!  Well not if either of my daughters have access to colouring implements.

Little Old Wine Drinker Me

Ladies here it is, the answer to all our stresses, strains and scream inducing angst.  The one essential wardrobe accessory that we’ve all been waiting for.  I’d like to introduce you to…………………

 

 

The Merlot Handbag!

 

 

merlot handbag

This photo was shared with me on my Facebook wall – I’ve no idea why anyone would have thought that would be interested!  I also have no idea where the picture originates from, but I’d like to say to the creator, if there’s any chance that you could make this a reality, then I’d like to place an advanced order :)

Picture This

For those swines amongst you that are too YOUNG to remember the 70s, you may still have heard the old sitcom jokes etc about holiday snaps and cine camera movies.  For those of you who have no idea what I’m rambling about, picture the scene.

It’s the 70s long hair on men, flairs and gatsby jumpers -( I tried in vain to get a picture of one, other than an old picture of my sister wearing one, which she would have crucified me for publishing I couldn’t find one).  Google The Bay City Rollers and you’ll get the idea.

Anyway most normal families didn’t have loads of cash to splash around and package holidays were almost exclusively reserved for the better off in society.  Your wannabee snob relatives or neighbour goes on said package holiday to the “exotic” beaches of Marbella or Benidorm.  Two weeks later they return home looking like a teak sideboard (another 1970s gem) your “poor” family get invited round for the evening.  You arrive to find bowls of nuts and glasses of sangria with tiny umbrellas for the adults.  Orange juice with tiny umbrellas for the children.  The host is wearing shorts, t-shirt and a sombrero.  An enormous stuffed donkey sits in the corner of the room, his wife is wearing a Flamenco style dress and there are pairs of castanets hung up on the walls.  The lights are dimmed and for the next 3 hours you are subjected to a torture not unlike A Clockwork Orange.  A full-blown two weeks worth of holiday snaps, transformed by the magic of Kodak into slides – hundreds of the buggers.  Mind numbingly boring slides of sand, of sea, of a man at a stall selling oranges (you are informed his name was Pedro and they bought oranges from him every day).  A road sign in Spanish, the airport, the plane, the inflight meal, the inflight magazine, the sign at the hotel, the coach etc etc etc.  You know what I’m talking about, hundreds and hundreds of slides that you just don’t want to look at, but you’re too polite to feign a headache and go home.

Jump forward to 2013 and we have come full circle, only now instead of slides, it’s digital, it’s social, it’s FACEBOOK!

Now this is where I may offend a few people, however, to me Facebook has become one enormous slide show.  I have a couple of friends in particular who I’m afraid my heart sinks when they appear on my newsfeed.  Because at least once a week they upload about 200 photographs of their child in very similar poses, just at slightly different angles.  Perhaps the child was doing something “cute” at the time, but by the time the shutter has closed the child has moved and all you’re left with is a close up of the middle parting of their hair – accompanied by a caption that means absolutely nothing to the viewer.  You feel obliged to click-through all 200 pictures hitting the “like” button, even though you don’t like about three-quarters of them, because they have somehow managed to make their normally cute child look like the Mekon.  Every single picture has a sick inducing caption or worse still a hashtag!  I don’t want to look anymore, I want to not like them, I want to ask them, would they print that picture out and put it in a frame on their mantlepiece, because if they wouldn’t, then WHY are your Facebook friends being forced to “like” it.

So come on own up, are you a prolific Facebook photo uploader? Do you just take the memory card from your camera and upload everything that’s on there, without looking at them yourself?  Do you inundate your friends with every tiny movement your children make?  Do you have friends that do it to you?  Do you “like” every single picture?  Or do you cheat and just look at the album cover picture and like the whole album without looking any further, leaving a comment on it saying “cute pictures”  Or do you hide them from your newsfeed and never see, like or comment on any of their snaps?

I will confess to hiding a couple of people from my newsfeed, or just ignoring the photos and not looking. When I feel that I really have to say something, I will cheat and just like the album cover, having looked no further.  I’m not a compete rotter though, I do look, like and comment on the pictures of friends who don’t bombard me constantly with huge albums.  Most of us realistically don’t have the time to scroll through 200 pictures.

So to “like” or not to “like” – that is the question?

It’s Mine, Mine I Tell You!

I always knew that being a mother to two girls under the age of three would be challenging.  Actually challenging is much too weak a word, at the moment it feels as though I’ve been turned inside out, driven over by an articulated lorry and then laughed at!  Every day I watch our innocent little 15 month old, turning into the devil incarnate!  They gang up on me, they conspire against me and then they laugh! Our 2.5 year old has taken to saying “aye aye captain mummy” to every request that I make!

It is lovely to watch the bond between them grow, they are best friends, they love each other deeply, they copy each other, they babble together, they hug each other if one cries – but they also wreak havoc together.  My learning curve has been gargantuan and here is the latest addition to the manual of my motherhood journey.

 

Possession Rules

When I read these rules, I thought yep, this happens daily in my house.  These rules of course, being toddler rules are subject to change at the drop of a hat!