Some things in life are really worth knowing about, some of them I wish I’d know thirty years ago. So to give them a jump-start, here’s a few to start my girls off.
Dear Daughters – here’s the scoop!
1. Your mammy always knows best – no matter how wrong you think she is, no matter how objectionable it seems – she does, so get used to that idea now. It will make your teenage years much simpler.
2. Daddy does know loads of things, but not as much as mammy and he will always go with what mammy decides anyway – so just memorise point 1.
3. Not all men are like daddy, they will not all have your best interests at heart – so best you avoid them until you are at least 30 – remember point number 1!
4. If mammy says no, then the answer is no
5. If daddy says no, then it could become yes, with the right amount of emotional blackmail, pleading eyes and the occasional, but I love you daddy thrown in.
6. Granny is mammys, mammy, but she still doesn’t know more than mammy – remember point 1.
7. You can never have too many pairs of shoes – ever!
8. Barbie is not a true reflection of what a woman should look like – unless of course she’s had vast amounts of excruciatingly painful surgery, costing thousands of pounds. Do you really want to have hands with all the fingers joined together?
9. Men will never understand you – you are an enigma to them. Use this knowledge wisely.
10. Don’t pick the tops off scabs. It might be gory fun, but seriously, it’s gross and it can leave behind a scar – see my left knee for proof!
11. When mammy asks you where you are going, don’t ever just say out. Mammy has been to this out place and knows exactly what happens there.
12. If you ever try smoking (you will be throttled) don’t think that eating a packet of Polo Mints will hide the evidence – it won’t, you will smell of minty smoke.
13. If you ever come home with a lovebite, toothpaste and makeup will not hide it and mammy will once again throttle you. Even daddy may also notice that you are wearing a polo neck sweater in August!
14. When you look in the mirror at that belt posing as a skirt, know now that daddy will say – you are not going out dressed like that!
15. No you can’t get a tattoo
16. Piercings – see point 15
17. Mammy and Daddy both know that Magaluf is known as Shagaluf – therefore see points 4 & 15.
18. Weeds are things that grow in gardens and choke plants – you need never be concerned with any other kind.
19. Babycham has made a retro revival – all other forms of alcohol are considered very uncool.
20. If there are too many of these points to remember, just memorise point 1.
*As a little extra note to my darling eldest daughter – Granny already has a colour television, therefore colouring her LCD flatscreen with wax crayons is NEVER a good idea!